ASBURY PARK, NJ—Following years of languishing at the local steel mill under low pay and frequent mistreatment, Grammy Award-winning musician Bruce Springsteen reportedly relished finally telling off his foreman Thursday after Sony purchased his masters and songwriting catalog for $500 million. “I tell you what, Lou, you’re a prick, you’ve always been a prick, and now that I’ve got some walking-around money, I’m finally getting out of this hellhole town,” said Springsteen to foreman Lou Martinelli, who folded his arms and scowled as the creative mind behind Greetings From Asbury Park, Nebraska, and Born To Run threw down his welder’s mask to the cheers of his fellow steelworkers and brandished the check for half a billion dollars. “You see this money here? Well, I’m done with you riding my ass every time I clock in or out. I told you I was going to make something of myself, didn’t I? Well, you never respected me, Lou, and now you’ll never see me again. Enjoy your miserable life, you son of a bitch.” At press time, Springsteen climbed into his Chevy Impala convertible with longtime girlfriend Rosalita Valdez, revved his engine, and tore out of town on Route 71.
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